


Home Truth

by LtLJ



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-13
Updated: 2005-12-13
Packaged: 2017-10-03 09:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtLJ/pseuds/LtLJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A vignette set after the episode Epiphany. A follow-up to Abandonment Issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home Truth

John woke up thinking about how much firewood he needed to chop today. Opening his eyes, he saw the liquid quality of the light and the silver ceiling panels, and had no idea where he was. He shoved a hand under the pillow for his knife, found it missing, and flung himself upright, blankets flying. Then his brain caught up with the rest of his body and he thought, _Atlantis, right_. Breathing hard, he rested his elbows on his knees and scrubbed his hands over his face. _Two hours,_ he reminded himself.

It wasn't like he thought it was a dream. He hadn't dreamed about being rescued, though he had dreamed about being back. Not so much about the people, just random images, cobbled together from different memories. Running the halls in the early morning dark, the soft lights in the pillars coming on for him, fading away as he passed. Standing on the open deck of the southwest pier, just within reach of the spray, cool wind pulling at his hair and clothes. Sparring with Teyla in the old gym, the one they had used before the _Daedalus_ had brought real training equipment, just them and the scent of their sweat and the light falling through stained glass. Sitting in the messhall, listening to Rodney and Zelenka talk, the words a blur with wild gestures. The jumper bay, with all the pods humming as they recharged and that quiet tickle of their awareness in the back of his brain.

He wasn't cleared for duty yet, so he didn't have to worry about the morning briefing or mission rosters and training assignments. Or trying to fall back into a routine, the details of which felt like something from another lifetime. He slung himself out of bed and into the bathroom, where the Ancient shower turned itself on for him, the ten thousand year old plumbing responding instantly to his every thought. "Oh God, I missed you," he told the scalding hot water.

Yesterday was a blur. They had kept asking him things, what it was like, were all the other people Ancients, if he was hurt, and John kept replying with "Huh?" because at some point everything had started to happen way too fast. Then Rodney had flung his arms in the air and said, "Everybody shut up, he's obviously in shock!"

John had glared at him. "'He' is not in shock."

"See, he's talking about himself in the third person! Carson--"

"Rodney--" Beckett began warningly.

Then Ronon, watching John with worried concentration, said, "Did you think we left you?"

The jumper suddenly got way too quiet, and John couldn't answer, even with "huh?"

Elizabeth and Teyla lunged in to fill the uncomfortable silence with "I really don't think we should--" "Perhaps now is not the time--" and both being too polite, each paused to let the other finish, which just made the silence exponentially uncomfortable. Then Rodney, with more tact and sensitivity than most people gave him credit for, suddenly launched into a loud detailed explanation of the plan and the probe and Zelenka's theories, and John didn't have to do anything but nod until they got back to Atlantis.

Sitting on the examination table in the medlab, he still kept wanting to turn to people he hadn't seen in six months and say, "So what have you been doing?" Fortunately for his psych evaluation record, he only forgot long enough to say it to Beckett, who winced sympathetically and patted him on the knee. John had only been gone a couple of hours; what everyone had been doing was mostly lunch. When he finally stood in the doorway of his quarters, he was surprised that nobody had packed up his stuff; the place looked like he had just left it. Right, because he had.

John took his time shaving because it was so nice using a razor that didn't leave you any chance of accidentally slitting your throat. By the time he got dressed he had forgotten again, and actually sat down at the laptop to catch up on reports that had been filed while he was gone, wondering if his account was still on the server and if he still had his security clearance. Of course he did, and of course it was, and of course there weren't any, because he had only been gone for two hours. There were only half a dozen unread emails in the inbox. John just skimmed the one from Rodney, which had been sent at about four am and was a sixteen page report on something complicated that he was planning to do with the ZPM. It veered off midway through into a rant about various scientists taking up too much time on second tier projects and then went on into Rodney's musings about his role as a guiding force in the science team.

It wasn't forgetting, exactly, and it wasn't denial. John didn't think it was denial. Hell, maybe it was denial.

***

The full story hadn't had much chance to spread through the city yet. As far as most people were concerned, John had been stuck in some weird energy field on a mission yesterday, but the problem had been solved quickly with no casualties. This was a relief, since John was able to fill his tray in the messhall and take a seat without having to run a gauntlet of questions.

Lost in the wonder that was refined sugar, coffee, and processed cream substitute, he didn't notice he had company until Ronon sat next to him.

As if continuing the conversation they hadn't been having yesterday, Ronon said, "I thought McKay wouldn't try to help you, I thought he was afraid, but he wasn't. I just didn't understand what he was doing."

John shook his head, set the cup down, and poked at his powered eggs. "Most people don't get Rodney and I right off," he said finally.

Ronon's brows drew together as he thought that over. Then Teyla plunked her tray down, leaned on the table, and smiled tightly at him. "Ronon. We spoke of this."

Ronon flicked her a wary look. "I didn't ask him--"

"Ronon." Teyla's smile cranked down a notch into the danger zone.

Ronon shoveled in a big mouthful of Athosian porridge as a gesture of surrender.

Mollified, Teyla sat down, picked up a fork, and smiled brightly at John. "I hope your night was restful."

John had already taken the precaution of taking a big bite of eggs so he could just nod emphatically. A few more people joined them, but Teyla kept the conversation firmly in the realm of small talk about the city and the Athosian settlement, easing John back into his old world with care and skill, and after a while John relaxed, just enjoying the processed food and the familiar voices.

***

After breakfast, John took a jumper out, just to test himself, but the ship that had coaxed him through a space battle on his first time out was hardly likely to let him crash on the hop to the mainland, even if he had been grounded for six months. He had thought he was going to land somewhere, maybe along the beach near the village, but when he got there he found he really wanted to stay in the air. He stayed up for the rest of the morning and the afternoon, just doing maneuvers in the upper atmosphere, learning the jumper again.

***

After he put the jumper away in the bay, it became obvious that the story was starting to get around. That people who had noticed the Colonel returning from the mission with a beard and a darker tan had asked questions and gotten answers. John decided the best course of action was to get the hell away while everyone else had a chance to absorb the information, and he walked out onto the far end of the southwest pier to watch the sun set.

He crossed the broad open section that was like the deck of an aircraft carrier, to the end of the wedge that was the furthest point from the city. The waves washed against it on three sides, the spray salted the breeze, and it was like standing on the prow of a ship. There was no point in Atlantis that didn't feel as if it was suspended in the air or the sea, and he hadn't known how much he would miss that sensation.

He had been out there about an hour and the sun was low, the light turning the sea to gold, when something made him glance back over his shoulder. Rodney was just stepping out of the hatch at the base of the pier's superstructure. He saw John watching him and guiltily stuffed what was obviously a lifesigns detector into his jacket pocket.

John wasn't surprised; he knew Rodney was worried. That was what the lengthy email downloading everything that had been in Rodney's brain at four in the morning was really about.

John leaned back against the rail to watch him, knowing the black sunglasses made the stare particularly effective. About halfway across the pier, Rodney stopped pretending he was out here to inspect the deck plates, flung his arms in the air in resignation, and just walked over.

When Rodney leaned on the railing next to him with a disgruntled glare, John said, "We're going to have to have that talk again about using the internal sensors to stalk people."

Rodney lifted his chin. "I have to maintain my reputation for omniscience." He frowned around at the limitless sea, the arch of the sky. "What are you doing out here?"

John lifted a brow. "I thought in the meeting this morning you all decided to give me some space."

Rodney eyed him suspiciously. "How did you know about the meeting? Who talked? Was it Ronon? I told Teyla--"

"I didn't know. Until just now."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Oh, yes, very clever." He folded his arms, glaring at the water. "Elizabeth thinks you should take some time off."

John snorted. "I had some time off. I had all the time off I can take without going crazy."

Rodney stared at him, brow furrowed. "What? What do you mean? I thought from what you said they were civilized people--"

John sighed in exasperation. "Right, in the debriefing I left out the part where they tortured me the whole time. Of course they were civilized. They were nice people. But in between monster attacks, things got really dull." He shrugged, turning to look out over the water again. "It wasn't like we were fighting for survival. They'd been there a long time, the climate in the valley was great, they had the food supply covered, plenty of water. There was work to do, but..." He shook his head.

Rodney shifted uneasily. "Though obviously it would have been more fun to sleep in the dirt and hunt wild animals with stone knives, at least you weren't alone."

"Well, yeah. But I didn't want to get too attached." All the time John had spent in the village, it had been in the back of his mind. He hadn't really articulated it to himself until now. "They were all trying to ascend, even the kids. I knew they'd make it, eventually. I knew one day I'd wake up and be alone."

Rodney watched him for a long moment. Then he cleared his throat, jerked his chin up. "You thought they would just leave you there?"

John shrugged. "I told them I hadn't meant to get stuck there, that I didn't want to ascend. But I was never sure if I got the point across." Then it hit him. He knew what Rodney was really asking. It was kind of a shock; Rodney didn't normally do subtle. John turned back to face the water, and maybe the shock had jolted something loose, because he found himself saying quietly, "Yeah. I thought they would just leave me there. But it turned out they didn't."

Rodney nodded, and cleared his throat again. They stood there for a time, watching the water, listening to the waves crash against the ancient metal. Then Rodney said, "So. It's been twenty-six hours. Are you over this yet? Because I don't want to miss dinner."

John nodded to himself. Rodney had apparently hit the limit of his ability to be supportive, but they had gotten something out into the open, and John thought it might be easier to remember now that it had only been two hours. And he had skipped lunch and he was kind of hungry. "Is this Thursday?" He frowned, because that definitely rang some sort of pleasant chord in his memory. "Hey, it's pudding night."

Rodney perked up. "Oh, I forgot about that." He pushed away from the railing impatiently. "Hurry, or there won't be any left; you know what those people are like."

They walked back into the city together.

  
**end**


End file.
